Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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