Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
