Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
