life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
