Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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