At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
