My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
