Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
