found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
