Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
