Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
