So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Did I show you my penis last night?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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