This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
