All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
They have beer where we have blood.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
