i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
