It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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