I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
