i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
