My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
