Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
