i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
