Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
