there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
