The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
