THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
