He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
