Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i barfeds in our rink
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
