Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
