dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
