i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
handjob tips. give me some.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
