Say something about gay babies.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
