We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
