Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
