I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
