I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I cut my penus on the lid.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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