my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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