Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
