so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
