I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
