My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
