Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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