He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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