Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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