Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
