I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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