my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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