These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Your penis caused this!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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