He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
