you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
