after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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